LIT & CRIT : FINANCE : CULTURE
JAMES ALTUCHER
 
PULLING BACK THE COVER 
ON HIS WRITING TECHNIQUES

Continued from Page 5

So fuck those guys, really. Just like I say about any and all that abuse their status and fail to uphold the social contract: fuck em, they can't be helped. Does that sound harsh and judgemental? Good. It's my year of no bullshit.

 

Face it, they already said fuck you to me and the rest of the world. I'm just replying in kind. If that makes me an asshole at least it's for the cause of fighting back against all the other assholes, like World War One trenches but they're Germany and we're the Allied powers. War all the time, as Charles Bukowski once wrote. It's self-defense.

Sadly, I've found It's naive to try to fix stupid, it bounces right off them and hits you back, James. As you well know and profess, fixing others is a waste of time. By their very DNA, they really can't see how helping others is worthwhile unless it leads to more and more amassed wealth for a chosen few. Prosperity is divinity to them. The poor can scrape the leftovers from off the floor, it's their own fault Jesus doesn't love them enough to get them a seat at the table. The ends justify the means. Donald Trump is a winner instead of a symbol of everything that is rotten in Denmark USA. (I think the Danes are doing better than the USA in a lot of ways these days, ha ha, so sorry to drag you guys into it by way of an allusion, Danes).

 

Ok, I know there must be some nice guys over there in middle America with hearts of gold, but we all know the type which is pervasive in areas of ignorance and Republicanism. That is who I am talking about. Only education might save them but for now they view that as another game to rig.

Let me tell you... it's been tried by a lot of people to reason with the authoritarians and their religious belief in money as God's blessing. It doesn't work. So I feel pretty comfortable up here on my high horse, actually. The saddle was polished by the farm-boy until I could see my face shining in it by the morning. Got some inlaid silver studs, too.

On the other hand, Brasstacks wisely turned me down, ha ha. But I'll tell you, James, that if those Brassknuckles guys knew the truth of how much I gross right now, they might just throw up in fear I might not be able to pay them the first fee they will inevitably charge me just to review my idea before they reject it and keep the fee. They'd get white as a ghost to know how close I was to losing my house recently, ha ha!! They're allergic to anything that doesn't smell of rich Corinthian leather.

Like I said... somehow the smell of sweat and desperation coming off me must be working against me at the quantum level, but at least I am on to the phenomenon. If not, how could they refuse the next Hunter S Thompson crossed with Tom Woolfe crossed with Robert Redford and a dash of Cher?  (I am often pretty daring with my cleavage) 

No wonder I cultivate that Wall Street broker thing just like you James. it's the reputation I need preceding me. If I didn't have that people would for sure know I wasn't worth their time (instead of just worrying that might be true!) You gotta dress to confess, fake it til you makeup, and all those other adages.

Honestly, James, between you and me and the entire internet, let's face it: without a credible PR company touting me with their the connections they've built up after living for 20 years in New York, I've got no way to make anyone think I have any marketable potential. Even family members won't buy my book, and that's even after I chastised them in public for it. I know, you would think.  

Let me tell you, the Alexa rankers are certain no one gives a fuss or a fiddle or a periwinkle perididdle about me. The numbers don't lie, I'm a riddle no one buys. Nonethless, you and I both know that my work is a cut above. I made sure there were a lot of jokes in the darn thing, as you do. And I'm sure those Google Adwords displays for marijuana stuff gets clicked on once in a blue ball because they're not about to kick me out of their program for not generating any clicks, which is a relief. (Though they did boot me from getting ad revenue Youtube because less than 1000 people subscribed to me).

The data never lies though it does reduce it to cold inhuman numbers regardless of the true merit; I don't sell books, that's for sure. I gave away some as a contest on Goodreads.  I left it open to the international market but I didn't consider the fucking postage cost for sending a book the size of a small boy to Italy. It was ruinous. Ha ha, anthropomorphic bear sex books sell 100 times better than mine, James!

So, like I've always said, anytime you want to actually do me a favor and use your platform to help me ascend to the level of credible intellectual (as I upfront admit I want from you in the end, the way I guess you do when you call people up and tell them you want them on your podcast because connections are important and you have a mission to share your wisdom to the world), I'd appreciate it. I'm sure hectoring you will help inspire you to call your booker.

James, have me on your podcast or some other kind of thrown bone, I'm begging you. I need you as the connection I've cultivated through constant unwanted criticism, always a charming quality. So why not? You do have to be honest and admit that my discussion of gurus and connections influenced your thinking some, right? Or else why did you start writing about those issues soon after and why did you start owning up publicly to pursuing connections as part of your shtick?

You were probably already thinking those things, naturally, but you have to admit how uncanny it was for me to put my finger on it for you, right? Seems to me that happens a lot. I give people my point of view, sometimes apologetically, and they tend to find it unwelcome and they perhaps put me down as some kind of pest or something. Then a few weeks later I hear them saying things I said as wisdom to their followers.

Ha ha, a few months after writing my guru takedown and sending it to you, what do you know... there's Anthony J. Robbins titling his book "I Am Not Your Guru."  Swear to god, just like you foresaw BTC, often I just seem to be able to put my finger on the zeitgeis tabout as well as anyone. When it happens I know I have two weeks before someone else senses the same vibes and capitalizes on it. Lemme tell you, I wish I could capitalize on it more often, but to capitalize on something you need start-up capital. And to get that you need connections, wealth envy, and an army of followers. Ha ha, just why I want to be on your show. 

Maybe I'll just play the greater fool game like you and create a bunch of dumb cryptos called the Xtab coin and the Ripoff Coin. Would you believe that if the Doge coin based on a simple meme can be considered worthy of trading, a Ripoff coin wouldn't sell? Or a Petrock Coin. Or, better, the BeanieBabyCoin Watch it take off to the moon based on the irony alone!  Still, that is one cute dog, we can all agree on that.

I know you think we're not at the mania stage yet, but think about what you're saying, James. You are saying that playing with fire is fine. Because you are too smart to let it get out of control. Sure, some will get burnt but you and your faithful readers will be able to get out of the house when you smell the smoke. Together with all the other people fighting to get out the same exit. 

 

Most in those those traphouses and honky tonks wind up trapped and dead, James. Tragically murdered by it.  

Sure, we all know that will be the case with this mania as well, just as we knew tech stocks were bound to fall or that mis-rated MBS were bound to fail. But they all say you gotta keep dancing as long as the music is playing. Every time, that's the justification: don't blame me, I'm just a puppet to the sound of jingling quarters but I only want dance regulation after the game fails and I try to skate.

Nonetheless, I agree digital currency and blockchain tech is here to stay, a tech trend that can't be ignored. I'm going to write a sci-fi novel about the great bitDepression of 2022-25 or something. It'll be hilarious when the Silicon warriors have to sell their Porsches and Lambos and wait in a free wifi and coffee line somewhere off the alleys of the Haight just to get a fix of the funny stuff to stay alive in the digital skids after they've fallen below the divide line.

But I digress. Back to the topic of cryptos. I agree with you. Someone will refuse to pay the piper, the piano will play the tune for awhile longer. No wonder I want you to do all my DD for me! I remember when I read about all those VCs aligning themselves with Bitcoin and starting venture funds and research groups back in 2013 and I was thinking... no wonder they love it, it's a license to print money. Literally. What they've always dreamed of. Why try to make it when you can just make it.

Now that they're called ICOs it sounds like they think it is just an offering of something more than a whitepaper and some demo server farms. Well, other companies have products they sell. The ICO of the ICO is the ICO itself, backed by nothing but the full faith and credit of the swarm, apparently.

So there are two kinds of people: the ones who won't play that game and the ones who will. The ones who play...will make money off of someone else's stupidity and fomo. Simple. They will tell the others they should be on the train. The others who are not on the train are just a kind of stupid you can't fix, just like those librul cucks hate. Then when the train derails, what? They will either try to get on another train or they will be in the hospital, or dead. So it is true... you just can't fix stupid. Speculation is all an ICO is, pure and simple.

You go ahead and make the money for me, I'll be standing here near the exit wuth a flashlight so when the flash pots light the roof on fire I am not one of the ones trapped in the burning building and I can help some of the wiser people get out before they are immolated. (Fire codes and regulations, turns out they're not so bad!) Am I being too cynical? Perhaps, but I'm so good at it! I don't fear anything, much less missing out on a pyramid style mania run by Wall Street or Silicon con men.

 

Now, despite my boo-hooing about money or success (the typical obsessions of productive people), the fact is I've been luckier than most, I should admit. And because of that privilege, I feel I have an obligation to hang in there and keep on Truckin, just like the immortal Eddie Kendricks sang.  

 

Honestly, for me, just like you, in the end it's not about the money. I want to use my powers of rhetoric to make this world a better place for the future of mankind, that's all. Media exposure gives you the platform to do that. But unlike Mr. Singer, whose book I might get around to some day just for laughs, or like Mr.Tucker the rat-fucker, I don't think surrendering myself to "the nature" or doing a public mea culpa for moolah after being a sexist douche is suddenly going to fill my coffers. 

Instead, most of the time if you wait for a fish to jump in your net the results are death. Me, I keep plying my idea called hook and line and sinker instead. In fact, death is always the result in the end, thus so far my thought on this Singer guy's book when I browse it on Amazon is where's entropy? So far, he's esoterically telling me the universe is perfect and I should stop trying to fight it. Well, sorry, duuude, it's a fight for survival in the real world, unless you can meditate or medicate away your desiccation like The Dude. Starvation. It's a thing.

You don't squeeze your environment for sustenance you will die. Yet the material world --as far as my body tells me-- won't give me the energy nutrients I want just by opening my mouth. I have to yank plants out of the ground or hunt. Then later I read as Singer bcktracks, 'I'm not saying don't have a will or stay alive... I'm just saying... blah blah blah."  Right. Except he is saying that in so many words.

 

His concepts are already contradictory and unscientific to me. Unless this guy later on shows us how not dying is achieved when you flow with the universe, I think he sounds like a guy who got lucky in Vegas and then is teaching us all "don't fight lady luck man, she's a lady." Right. Well, we'll see. I promised I would give it a shot, but so far it is not adding up. More to come on that when I'm ready to publish my official review. I know you'll be waiting with baited breath, ha ha.Well, thanks for your time reading this James and everyone else. Hope you have a great day and I'll be waiting for your call! 

 

All my love, Kevin J Salveson, Suuper-Generous

Kevin J Salveson is the owner and operator of Salvus, a California corporation that makes diddly in terms of revenue so hopefully the IRS will let him be even as he deducts a lot of office supplies on his Form 2106 stroke 6. He's also President of Extablisment but no one takes that seriously, it's probably another Gofundme con-job of some sort.

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