THEY WANT ME TO REINVENT THE WHEEL
My Jack Donaghy look
Dear Prospective Employer,
So you ask me to reinvent the wheel for you again, for free, before you will give me a job. (And if you can't get that, you'll take some ideas for clickbait articles on the net which you can nab at no cost).
I've seen it before. Its always, "can you take this tired, worn-out idea of a wheel and for peanuts prove your worth by reinventing it right before our eyes?" Send in some samples of your new wheels and your resume and we may or may not pay you after getting you to essentially fork over your ideas first.
Of course, I know the reason they're asking me to do it is because they can't do it themselves, right? Why else would they be looking outside the organization for wheel ideas if not for the paucity of their own?
Sure, and, as we all know, the model is exploitation. They just want to exploit my groundbreaking idea of a BetterWheel (tm) without fair compensation.
But, well anyway, Ok. Since I have a million of 'em, here is that list of article ideas you wanted:
--The 2 who can't tango": hilarious dancers and precocious pets in precious pratfalls!
--The 5 illegal things writers do to come up with listicles!
--The 10 things desperate editors do to find the next satire superstar
--The 7 stages of regret that come over corporations when they realize they let writing talent slip through their fingers!
--The 12 executives at (your firm I just Googled) who really run the place (hint-- it's not who you think!)
--The local mom's secret 2 staying thin! Chasing clickbait all day until she throws up!
--The 20 ways in which the world one day will prove "me" right!
--The 30 hidden grammar and typographical mistakes in this document that even the experts (meaning you) didn't catch!
Feel free to send my check by Federal Express, or you can give me double in bitcoins if you haven't lost, spent, cashed in, or had them stolen yet. (And if you haven't, you're a fool).
* * *
However, in order to even top all those good ideas, and as a sign of good faith to my adoring public...all three of you...
I will, now, for my second act of the evening, in fact actually reinvent the wheel again, after all. Literally.
And not literally as in figuratively, but literally as in literally.
Sure, I am a bit hesitant to show you the Betterwheel (TM) without first having it patented. After all, like Bruneleschi's way of standing an egg on its head, the answer is obvious when you know the answer.
But I have vowed to give away these at the low low price of none for the sake of planet earth and the future kids and grandkids who will one day live inside its dark caves after The Fallout Era. They are going to need what I've got in spades.
So I bequeath them to the world. I leave these ideasmilliondollar to you, my sons and daughters, including the Betterwheel, to execute in my absence (or probable lazyness.)
Ok, buckle up, because with new wheels it's going to be a bumpy ride.
Not as bumpy as an AMC Gremlin, but bumpy
The Betterwheel (TM): Eliminates the useless 2/3
The only important part of the wheel is the smooth repeated weight-bearing that it does. Only a third of that wheel is doing any work at all, the other two thirds are always just waiting to come around so they can be put to use. That's inefficient! The other two thirds should be doing something useful or stop collecting their paycheck. Eliminate the parts of the wheel that aren't being used all the time and save 2/3 of the production cost.
How to keep something that is not round rolling?
Well, I didn't say I had all the answers in terms of manufacturing, but the concept is fantastic, right? Tell Goodyear you can save them 2/3 of the cost of production per unit, they'll be ecstatic I promise you.
Ok, I know you think I haven't let the whole cat out of the bag yet, only its back paws and tail from which its anus is clearly visible. Ok, I get that a lot. (Its the sacrafice I make to liberate cats all around the world who have been stuffed into bags.)
Since you would think me a fraud if I didn't actually deliver on my product (this ain't Kickstarter!) here are actually a few of the proposals I have for eliminating that pesky usless 2/3 of the wheel which is not doing any work but just riding the coattails of the 1/3 that does all the work (and pays all the taxes, to take this implied metaphor even farther).
1. Magnetic lift = No wheel at all. See- trains. No friction = a smooth efficient ride. The cost of creating a magnetic field infrastructure along the entire roadway system of the USA has to come entirely from Halliburton and the liquidation of Goodyear to be fair to the taxpayer.
Goodyear to earth: "Wheels? We don't need no stinking wheels!" Photo: LA Times
3. Long stretches of frictionless vacuum tube hyperloops that would run across the land, inside which people in pods would... wait. Nevermind. That's just crazy talk.
4. Put butter (or a margarine, if you are overweight) on all the roads, thus the Butterwheel (TM), which simply glides along a river of polyunsaturated fats. It needn't roll, it only needs to glide, like a snomobile. The advantage is that it would be fun going to work every day and you could take some home to cook with every evening as a bonus.
5. Convince people to walk, it's good for them! Convert all the freeways into grassy walking trails. That doesn't really solve the whel problem, but... so what, are you not patriotic enough to see how this would be good for your country?
6. Have Google pay for and install self-driving cars which blanket an entire city and then provide at least one for each citizen so that no matter where you are you can catch a free shuttle like service to your next destination. That doesn't solve the wheel problem but at least it puts Google's money to work rehabilitating their public image.
Sure, none of those may be viable today. But that's also what they once said about the Cronut. The technology wasn't up to the vision yet until the new milennium. Then there had to be the capital and will. So scoff if you want, someone has to propose it. As they say, first it is ridiculed, then it is hated, and then it is bought out by Kliner Perkins.
But wait! There's more!
Here is a list of people who in fact did reinvent the wheel in various ways.
So it took a while, but finally here is where I prove my value to my prospective employer- I can look things up on the Internet for them so they don't have to!
As with most things, sure, anyone could do it and it's been done before. But it takes a special kind of person (a desperate college graduate with an english degree, typically) to be able to look up something on Wikipedia, combine it with something from a review of a book on the subject that was posted on Amazon, and spit it out as a listicle that can then be "republished" as if it were new on Buzzfeed. It's just like brightening up a room with new pillows or curtains or like plagerizing someone else's pillows to brighten your own writing.
So if you really want me to get on the ol' internet and research for you, well, that can be done by any prospective writer who you hope will throw content and concepts your way without paying them for it by "soliciting their employment, please send us samples and ideas for free".
Listen, I'll even get a bunch of pictures from flickr to go with it. Viola, journalism!
A cake could make a good wheel, at least for the first few seconds
To conclude, thank you for the opportunity to share some of my ideas for free with you today. Hopefully these sparks of brilliance convince you that I would probably be able to take your job from you if I wanted to and thus I am someone to be feared.
Therefore, either you should take me onto your staff and slowly leech my lifeblood from me, or you should have me assasinated. It's your call, but don't make the wrong one because if you botch it I'll come after you.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon!
Regards, and in good health,